Translation | Figure of Speech | Kind of Figurative Language in Translation | Indonesian - English

1.      Generalization

Example:

-          “Aqua” is used when we want to buy mineral water in form of bottle

-          “Pelayaran” used to mean navigating the ocean with a sailboat now the word means navigating the ocean with a motorized boat

2.      Specialization

-          “Server” is a server on IT as hardware

-          “Sarjana” used to refer to scholars or smart people or knowledge people now used to refer to people who have graduated from the undergraduate level in college

3.      Amelioration

-          “Buta” became “tunanetra”

-          “Bini” became “Istri”

4.      Pejoration

-          “Langsam” in colonial era it mean slow but how it mean step

-          “Pramuniaga” became “pelayan toko”

-          “Talak” became “cerai”

5.      Synesthesia

-          “Ngeri-ngeri sedap” refer to thing that almost illegal

-          “Tajam” refer to easy to hurt or look fierce or angry

6.      Association

-          Kembang we think of “Kembang desa, kembang api, etc”

-          “Gulung tikar” doesn’t mean gulung tikar itself but it refer to go bankcrupt

7.      Metaphor

-          “Kembang pasir” refer to cat’s pop

-          “Kembang desa” refer to the most beautiful girl in a village

-          Raja siang telah terbit di pagi hari yang indah

A Methodology for Translation | Metode Penerjemahan

Dear readers, my apologize I forgot where this material taken from. I think this material is taken from pdf of Translation Book Theory of course but I forgot which one that I used. This is a resume from the more complete material. So, I hope you can use this as your reference for doing your assignment. Thank you. Once I found the source I will put it here. My apologize!

A Methodology for Translation

Translators can choose from two methods of translating, namely direct, or literal translation and oblique translation. Translators may also notice gaps, or "lacunae", in the target language (TL) which must be filled by corresponding elements, so that the overall impression is the same for the two messages. Oblique translation methods offers the first three direct procedures and the others are oblique.

Procedure 1: Borrowing, borrowing is the simplest of all translation methods. It would not even merit discussion in this context if translators did not occasionally need to use it in order to create a stylistic effect. In a story with a typical English setting, an expression such as "the coroner spoke" is probably better translated into French by borrowing the English term "coroner", rather than trying to find a more or less satisfying equivalent title from amongst the French magistrature, e.g.: "Le coroner prit la parole").

Procedure 2: Caique, A calque is a special kind of borrowing whereby a language borrows an expression form of another, but then translates literally each of its elements, e.g French calque: therapie occupationnelle, English source: occupational therapy.

Procedure 3: Literal translation, is the direct transfer of a SL text into a grammatically and idiomatically appropriate TL text in which the translators' task is limited to observing the adherence to the linguistic servitudes of the TL e.g Where are you? - Ou etes-vous?.

Procedure 4: Transposition, the method called transposition involves replacing one word class with another without changing the meaning of the message e.g Apres qu'il sera revenue - After he comes back.

Procedure 5: Modulation

Modulation is a variation of the form of the message, obtained by a change in the point of view. The type of modulation which turns a negative SL expression into a positive TL expression is more often than not optional, even though this is closely linked with the structure of each language, e.g.: It is not difficult to show. Il est facile de demontrer. The difference between fixed and free modulation is one of degree.

Procedure 6: Equivalence

The classical example of equivalence is given by the reaction of an amateur who accidentally hits his finger with a hammer: if he were French his cry of pain would be transcribed as "A'ie!", but if he were English this would be interpreted as "Ouch”.

Procedure 7: Adaptation

It is used in those cases where the type of situation being referred to by the SL message is unknown in the TL culture. Adaptations are particularly frequent in the translation of book and film titles e.g.:

Trois hommes et un couffin Three men and a baby. [film]

Le grand Meaulnes The Wanderer. [book title]

Application of the seven methods

	Lexis	Structure	Message
Borrowing	F: Bulldozer	Science Jiction	Five o'Clock Tea
	E: Fuselage	a la mode	Bon voyage
Caique	F: economiquement Lutetia	Lutetia Palace	Compliments de la Saison
	E: normal school (C.E.)	Governor General	Take it or leave it
Modulation	F: Peu profond	Donnez un peu de votre sang	Complet
	E: Shallow	Give a pint of your blood	No vacancies

Parafrase Lirik Lagu | Song Lyrics Paraphrase Josh Groban's The Prayer

This paraphrase is my interpretation about the song lyrics created by me as my past school task. Please if you want to use it, don't forget to paraphrase too, Okay :)

The Prayer by Josh Groban

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe

La luce che to dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restero
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarchi che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede see'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sognamo un mondo senza piu violenza

Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera

Paraphrase:

The Prayer song tells of someone who is praying that God always protects him everywhere and wherever he is and can be a guide when he does not know the direction because he believes that the way shown by God is the right choice, safe and wise in order to achieve His glory.

In addition, this song also tells about someone who hopes for justice for the world. The desire for a world of peace and upholding brotherhood. Also hope that the world will live happily without violence.

On the other hand, the lyrics of this song tell about love stories. Every soul will find another soul to be loved for their desires and prayers. The most important thing in this song is that someone hopes that faith always grows in his heart, so that every way or decision he takes is from the inner peace

Contoh Dialog dan Kartu Pos Dalam Bahasa Perancis

Halo.. Teruntuk kalian yang kuliah jurusan sasing atau sastra sastra lainnya hehe, mungkin kalian dapet mata kuliah Bahasa Perancis ya kan, nah ini aku ada contoh dialog yang aku buat saat aku mendapat kuliah Bahasa Perancis. Tapi ya gitu deh hanya dialog sederhana banget dan mohon maaf apabila masih salah atau kurang bener grammarnya. Oh ya, ada contoh kartu pos juga di bawah dialog! Untuk terjemahannya mohon maaf aku belum sempat menulisnya, silahkan di cek sendiri ya atau dicopas ke google translate juga silahkan hehe. Baiklah langsung saja check this out! Merci beaucop!

Dialog tentang ikon terkenal di Prancis:

1.      Dialog 1 :

A : Bonjour Andrienne

B : Bonjour Nicole, comment vas-tu?

A : Très bien. Et vous?

B : Bien. Où est-ce?

A : C'est à Strasbourg, c'est le pont de Strasbourg

B : D'accord. Merci beaucoup.

Dialog 2 :

A : Tu connais cet endroit?

B : Non je ne sais pas

A : Qu'est-ce que c'est?

C : C'est le Château de Chambord

A : Merci beaucoup.

2.      Kartu Pos tentang kota menarik di Prancis

Chère maman

Comment vas-tu? Je vais bien.

J'habite maintenant à Fontainebleau, dans le nord de la France. Fontainebleau est une ville magnifique, mais il y a beaucoup d'endroits intéressants. Il y a la tour Eiffel, Disneyland Paris, le Château de Versailles et le Château de Chambord. Le samedi après-midi, j'aime écouter de la musique classique. En général, je préfère sortir avec mes amis ou aller au café.

Tu me manques!

Et je vais bientôt visiter Jogja.

Lulu

--------------------------------------------

Brief Summary of American Studies (Government, Religion, Business, Education, Values, Dream) of United States of America

Government and Politics in the United States

The government in the United States is based on Federalism. While politics in US is Democracy Politics. US uses the government and politics method inside the country. However, US also want to Americanize the world overseas. This has been proved by several countries which have a standard of government and politics the same as America if we could see deeply. The US mostly are anti-communist in order to maintain the super power of America that US can Americanize the world. Most of country’s system in the world are influenced by America such as politics, economic, social, culture, religion and military.

Religion in the USA

US people keep maintain the principle of put God first in every kind of situation whenever and wherever. American people mostly Christian that divided into two faith they are Roman Catholic and Protestant. Denominations has completely distinguish the protestant to many kind of branches. Each individual has their own religious preferences. They are free to choose the center of religious life for them. For Roman Catholic, church became the center religious for people. Protestantism encourages a strong and restless desire for self-improvement. Material succeed might be the most respected form of self-improvement because Protestant heritage is responsible about this thing. Protestant also encourage the way to get wealthy is with hard work and self-discipline. However, the idea of humanitarianism includes in the way of Protestant live in America. It means people should help other individuals by giving their time, money, or things which are charitable. The experience of born-again is important for Christian and it is the way people to change their life better.

The World of American Business

The business of America is business capitalistic which means it is ownership business. The characteristic of business in America is the essential of private and profit. Business is directly or indirectly owned by private people and separated from government-owned. It also has a purpose of financial profit. Business in America is protected by the Government. People, place, product, price, promotion, and distribution are things that are managed by capitalist. Capitalist or business institutions have more prestige in the society than others. This is because people think that business is more efficient and well-run rather than government organizations. But people who do business should always be ready for competition because it is the major source of progress and prosperity. It is also based on American values that everybody has the equal opportunity so competition is respected. Business is the prestige thing for American because its tendency of the dream of getting rich. If each individual is rich, then a country must be rich. Entrepreneur and organization man became the hero for American business. America wants to be the world economic trading market and it has proven that US win the race of trading nowadays except for transportation things.

Education in the United States

America become the destination of higher education in the world. However, the establishment of public schools in America are exist. Educational institution in US reflect the basic values of the nation concentrating in the equality of opportunity. Americans believe that everyone has equal opportunity to get education from elementary school through college or higher education. America first applied the principle of equality by making schools open and financing them by taxes which collected from the citizen. Yet, some wealthier Americans opposed this kind of schools because they desire that public schools would educate people beyond their proper station. Starting from 1860, public elementary schools were established in the US. The next century and a half, public schools were expanded to secondary schools (grade 9-12) also with college both undergraduate and postgraduate studies. Americans assume their public school system as an educational ladder. The idea of educational ladder is the perfect reflection of American value that is success based on equality of opportunity to get education. Later on, private schools are open at the same levels but not supported primarily by public funds. Private schools have kind of private religious schools and public private schools. Some religious schools are associated with churches and get the financial support from them. Private schools might be open for any classes but some are not. The schools in America support the existence of extracurricular activities in order to lead up the student’s skills such as sports, arts, and others.

American Values at the Crossroads

America had the challenges in maintaining the American values. America had things that caused them more doubtful about the strength of their nation and the values. Communism would spread through Southeast Asia and in 1966 the struggle in Vietnam became a major cause of American war. Opponents attacked it was immoral for the US to determine the future of the country by doing such war. The war also attacked the nation’s basic values as corrupt. This happen when the period of protest against the war. The purpose of the war itself was to protect an ally of the US, South Vietnam against the communist North Vietnam. More than half a million American soldier were sent to achieve this purpose. However, because of the optimism and continuing abundance appeared to be less by the end of 1970s. The basic American values that have been spread and strengthened have reached at the crossroad in 1980s. America needed new national values after that and they were keep asking what values should be adopted. The experience of greater shortages of energy during 1970s made Americans tend to emphasis on conversation value. However, in the 1980s Americans reached at a critical point in their nation’s history where major danger and choices should be faced and made. On the other hand, Americans must avoid that there will be greater risks are coming up and they should ready to refuse to change their basic values even the chaos condition ever.

The Great American Dream

The American dream basically has 6 dreams but now it has developed more than it. American dream itself means the goals in life for American people. Goals means vision and mission of each individual.  American people keep dreaming since they were child until old. Then, dreams are transmitted through generations. America was the most perfect society in the world. American dream is the great contribution in US because its tendency of the pursuit of happiness. American society keep the thing that life should be better and richer and fuller for every individual with the same opportunity as the value of equality. The dream itself exist because of achievement in US. For American, welfare is an individual freedom. They always keep the character of optimist in every chance. However, American still put God the first thing of everything.

Dutch Immigration to America - Everything you should know about

Dutch Immigration to America

by Lulu

According to the American Community Survey in 2013, around 4.5 million Americans claim total or partial Dutch heritage. Today the most of the Dutch Americans live in Michigan, California, Montana, Minnesota, Illinois, New York, Wisconsin, Idaho, Utah, Iowa, Ohio, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania (Wikipedia.org).

When did the Dutch arrived in America?

The Dutch first arrived in America in 1609 when the Dutch East India Company vessel De Halve Maen, commanded by the English captain, Henry Hudson, laid anchor at Sandy Hook, before sailing up what is now known as the Hudson River (Simkin, John, 2014).

Dutch settlement in Americas started in 1613 with New Amsterdam, which was exchanged with the British for the current Suriname at the Treaty of Breda (1667) and renamed New York City. The British state divided the Dutch colony in New Netherland into two parts, called New York and New Jersey. Further Dutch immigration took place in the 19th and 20th centuries (Wikipedia.org).

Why did Dutch leave their country?

New Amsterdam's name was changed to New York, in honor of the Duke of York, who organized the mission. The colony of New Netherland was established by the Dutch West India Company in 1624 and grew to encompass all of present-day New York City and parts of Long Island, Connecticut, and New Jersey (History.com).

Many reasons why European colonists chose to settle in New Netherland. Many fled political and religious persecution. Others hoped to improve their condition by owning their own land or by participating in the fur trade. Some came as servants. Reports from New Netherland were so favorable that it seemed worth the risk of sailing to the New World.

Dangers included the possibility of death by disease or due to a storm at sea. Some settlers died as a result of wars between the Dutch and local Indians. And there were other costs. Colonists risked the possibility that they might never be reunited with their families in Europe.

Some of the settlers were officials, soldiers, or employees of the Dutch West India Company, the corporation that governed New Netherland. Others were independent farmers, artisans, traders, or merchants. Some settlers worked for other colonists as contract laborers or indentured servants. Others were brought to New Netherland as slaves (newnetherlandinstitute.org).

Why did Dutch immigrate to America?

During the beginning of nineteenth century, huge of Dutch farmers were forced by high taxes and low wages, so they started immigrating to America because it was perceived as the land of economic opportunity. They settled down in the Midwest, especially Michigan, Illinois and Iowa (Wikipedia.org).

References:

2019, Dutch Americans, accessed 28 September 2019, <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_Americans>

Simkin, John. 2014. Dutch Immigration. Spartacus Educational. Accessed 28 September 2019,    <https://spartacus-educational.com/USAEholland.htm>

What was New Netherland?, accessed 28 September 2019,     <https://www.newnetherlandinstitute.org/education/for-students/fun-re/what-was-new-netherland/why-did-they-leave-europe/>

History.com. 2019. New Amsterdam becomes New York. A&E Television Networks. Accessed 28 September 2019, <https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/new-amsterdam-becomes-new-york>

Drama Text Script "Family 2.0"

FAMILY 2.0

by Walter Wykes

CHARACTERS

WIFE

HUSBAND

SON

DAUGHTER

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG

[A perfect-looking house—the kind you find in magazines.  A perfect-looking WIFE puts the finishing touches on her perfect-looking living room.  The front door opens and HUSBAND enters.]

HUSBAND: Hi, Honey!  I’m home!

WIFE: Who are you?  What are you doing in my house?!

HUSBAND: I’m your new husband.  Where should I put my coat?

[He tries to kiss WIFE, but she backs away from him terrified.]

WIFE: Don’t touch me!  I’ll scream!  I’ll call the police!

HUSBAND: Aren’t you going to ask how my day was?

WIFE: [Attempting to pacify him.] How … how was your day?

HUSBAND: It was awful!  Just like every other day!  Same old boring job.  Same old boring boss.  Same old boring life.  And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to me—why come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new?

WIFE: But you can’t just—

HUSBAND: I’ve always admired your home. It’s very well kept.

WIFE: Thank you, but—

HUSBAND: I pass it every day on my way to work, so I thought today I’d give it a try. It has to be more exciting than the one I’ve been coming home to for the past fifteen years.

WIFE: But … I already have a husband.

HUSBAND: He can have my life.  Where does he work?

WIFE: He’s an executive.  At a technology company.

HUSBAND: Perfect!  I love technology!  All those little gadgets and stuff!  It’ll be great!

WIFE: Look, I’m … I’m sorry your life is so boring.  My life is boring too.  But you can’t just walk in here and expect us to—

HUSBAND: Oh!  I almost forgot!  I brought you flowers!

[He produces a bouquet of flowers from his coat.]

WIFE: You brought me flowers?

HUSBAND: They’re orchids—a symbol of rare beauty and eternal love—my love for you.

WIFE: My … my husband hasn’t brought me flowers in almost fifteen years.

HUSBAND: I wrote you a poem too.

WIFE: A poem?

HUSBAND: Would you like me to recite it?

WIFE: Well … if you went to the trouble of writing it … I … I wouldn’t want it to go to waste.

HUSBAND: You take my breath away.

Like the sunset or a summer day.

When I gaze at the moon

Or the ocean blue

They pale beside the sight of you.

You take my breath away.

WIFE: That’s beautiful.  You … you really wrote that?

HUSBAND: For you.

[Pause.  She considers this.]

WIFE: Do you pee in the shower?

HUSBAND: Never.

WIFE: Hog the sheets?

HUSBAND: Nope.

WIFE: Snore?

HUSBAND: I don’t think so.

WIFE: Any history of baldness in your family?

HUSBAND: On the contrary.  We’re very hairy.

WIFE: Would you do your own laundry or wait for me to do it.

HUSBAND: Do it myself.

WIFE: Fix the toilet or call a plumber?

HUSBAND: Fix it.

WIFE: Shingle the roof or buy a new house?

HUSBAND: New house.

WIFE: Anniversary in Maui or Vegas?

HUSBAND:  Maui .

WIFE: Watch football or do me in the kitchen?

HUSBAND: Do you really have to ask?

WIFE: Will you constantly try to pork me in the rear?

HUSBAND: Only if you want me to.

WIFE: Tell me about your first wife.

HUSBAND: She was a nag. A nag with no boobs. She had boobs until the baby was born, but he sucked them right off. I’m a boob man, so it was completely unworkable.

WIFE: You left because she lost her boobs?

HUSBAND: There were other things.  But I have to be honest—it was mainly the boobs.

WIFE: What if I lose my boobs? Will you leave me too?

HUSBAND: It looks like you’ve got plenty to spare! [They make out.] Can we have sex now?

WIFE: Easy, Tiger.  You’ll have to win the kids over first.  Children! [Enter SON and DAUGHTER.] Children, meet your new father.

HUSBAND: Hi, kids.

SON: You’re not my father!  You’re a fake!  An imposter!

HUSBAND: Do you like baseball?

SON: Sure.

HUSBAND: I’ll take you to the Big Game.

SON: The Big Game?!  No way! [He embraces HUSBAND.] I love you, Dad!

DAUGHTER: What about me?  I hate baseball.

HUSBAND: Do you like shopping?

DAUGHTER: Duh.

HUSBAND: Here—knock yourself out.

[He hands her a hundred dollar bill.]

DAUGHTER: A hundred dollar bill?!  You’re the greatest!

[She kisses HUSBAND on the cheek.]

WIFE: Go play in your room, kids.  Your father and I need some time alone.

DAUGHTER: Sure thing, Mom.

SON: See ya later, Dad.

[Exit kids.]

WIFE: [Seductively.] Now where were we?

[They make out.  Enter FIRST HUSBAND.]

FIRST HUSBAND: Hi, Honey!  I’m … what’s going on here?!  What are you doing to my wife?!

HUSBAND: I’m trying to pork her in the rear.

FIRST HUSBAND: I’m calling the police!

WIFE: Wait!  Give me your key.

FIRST HUSBAND: What?

WIFE: Your key.  Hand it over.

FIRST HUSBAND: I don’t understand.

WIFE: He’s replacing you.

FIRST HUSBAND: Replacing me?

WIFE: That’s right.  He’s in—you’re out.

FIRST HUSBAND: But why?!

WIFE: He brought me flowers!  When’s the last time you brought me flowers?!

FIRST HUSBAND: I—

WIFE: Exactly.  Now stop stuttering and hand over the key.

FIRST HUSBAND: But … what about the kids?!  You can’t take the kids away from me!  Kids! [Enter SON and DAUGHTER.] You don’t want me to go—do you kids?

SON: He’s taking me to the Big Game.

FIRST HUSBAND: I’ll take you!

SON: Too late.  You had your chance.

FIRST HUSBAND: But—

DAUGHTER: Sorry.  It’s nothing personal.

WIFE: [Her hand outstretched] The key.

FIRST HUSBAND: But I don’t want to go!  Please, I’ll … I’ll do anything!  Just let me stay!  I won’t bother you!  I’ll stay out of the way!  I’ll … I’ll be another kid!  Or the family dog!

SON: I’ve always wanted a dog!

DAUGHTER: Eww!  He’s gonna get hair everywhere!

SON: Please?!  Can I keep him?!  Can I?!

WIFE: I don’t know.  What do you think, Honey?

HUSBAND: He’d be your responsibility, Son.  We’re not going to feed him for you, or take him for walks, or clean up his poop—

SON: I’ll take care of him!  I promise! [To FIRST HUSBAND/DOG.] Come here, boy!  Sit!  Roll over!  Play dead!  Good boy!

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!  Woof!

DAUGHTER: Can I go shopping now?

WIFE: If your father will drive you.

DAUGHTER: Dad?

HUSBAND: Well … your mother and I were sort of in the middle of something.

DAUGHTER: But I want to go now!  There’s a sale!

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!  Woof!

HUSBAND: Okay, just give us—

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!

WIFE: I think the dog has to go.

HUSBAND: Son, take your dog outside.

SON: I can’t.  I have homework.

[Exit SON.]

DAUGHTER: Can I go shopping or not?

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!  Woof!

WIFE: Honey, could you take care of the dog?

HUSBAND: It’s not my dog.

WIFE: You told him he could keep it.

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!

HUSBAND: Do we have a leash?

DAUGHTER: Is anybody listening to me?

[Enter SON with baseball and glove.]

SON: Hey Dad, can we play ball?

HUSBAND: I thought you had homework.

SON: I just finished.

DAUGHTER: Hello?

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!  Woof!

HUSBAND: [To SON.] Here—take the dog outside.

SON: I have to poop.

[Exit SON.]

WIFE: [To HUSBAND] While you’re out, can you take the trash?

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!

HUSBAND: Ahh … sure.

DAUGHTER: I hate this family!

WIFE: And could you do something about your daughter?

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!

HUSBAND: What do you want me to—

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!  Woof!

HUSBAND: [To FIRST HUSBAND/DOG] Shut up, you stupid mutt!

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Grrr!

[FIRST HUSBAND/DOG bites HUSBAND’S pants and pulls him towards the door.]

WIFE: I think he really wants to go.

DAUGHTER: What about me?!  Does anybody care what I want?!

[Enter SON.]

SON: The Big Game starts any minute!  We have to go!

HUSBAND: [To WIFE] When … when we get back it would be really nice to have some quality alone time if you know what I mean.

WIFE: It’ll have to wait, Dear.  You have responsibilities now.

HUSBAND: Responsibilities?!  This isn’t what I signed up for!  You’re just like my first wife!

WIFE: WHAT did you say?!!!

HUSBAND: I—

WIFE: Don’t compare me to that flat-chested bitch!

HUSBAND: I didn’t mean—

WIFE: Do you see these tits?!  Do you ever want to touch these tits again?!

HUSBAND: Yes!  Yes, I do!  That’s what I—

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!  Woof!

SON: We’re gonna miss the game!  We have to go NOW!

DAUGHTER: I asked first!  It’s not fair!

WIFE: If I ever hear you even THINK her name again—

DAUGHTER: You can’t just ignore me!

SON: You promised!

WIFE: I swear to God—

FIRST HUSBAND/DOG: Woof!

[As the cacophony rises, everyone converges on HUSBAND who climbs onto the couch to escape them.  They surround him like a pack of rabid wolves.]

WIFE

Your balls will be so blue you’ll be begging me to fuck you in the ass!  Are you hearing me?!  Are we clear on this?!  It’s gonna take a LOT of ass-kissing to make up for this little slip-up, Mister!  Not only am I not like her, but she doesn’t exist!  She’s a figment of your imagination!  She’s not even a figment!  I am the first and only woman you’ve ever loved, buddy, and you will grovel at my feet if you want any pudding from my kitchen!

SON

All I wanted to do was go to the Big Game!  But now it’s too late!  I already told all of my friends we were going, and they’re all going too, and now they’re going to see that I’m not really there and they’re going to know what losers we are!  I’ll bet you didn’t even buy tickets—did you?!  Liar!  My other Dad would have taken me!  I should have gone with him!  I’m never going to believe another word you say!  You’re a big fat ugly liar!

DAUGHTER

Am I invisible?  Am I not even here?  What do I have to do to get some attention in this house?!  Do I have to shoot somebody?  Do I have to blow something up?  Maybe I should get pregnant!  I should find the first boy who wants to fuck me and just pull up my skirt!  There are plenty of boys at school who’d like to fuck me!  Maybe they already have!  Maybe I just haven’t told you!  Or maybe I have but you don’t fucking listen!

DOG

Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!  Woof!

HUSBAND: I NEED A NEW LIFE!!!

[Blackout.]